Effective Communication Guide

Homophily is the tendency of people to like the same as themselves. We are very familiar with liking the same as ourselves, but there is a tendency in all humans to go with what we know. We know white, middle class suburban neighborhoods, so that is what we go with. We see it all the time in so much of our lives, we probably don’t even notice.

So I guess you could say, the old saying: “Birds of a feather flock together” isn’t that far off the mark. We really do like what we know.

Can we use this knowledge for to build effective communication skills? I think we can, and I think it only takes a few key points to remember for us to use this valuable tool.

1. Natural Tendencies. It’s important to remember that we humans became this way for a reason. The unfamiliar killed us before, so it’s highly likely that staying with what we know was a safety measure. There is a safety in familiarity. So it is in our communication. When we stick with what we know, we generally don’t put our necks out there. This can be good. This can be bad. Being aware of it should help us to decide is it time to stay with those natural tendencies or is it time for us to take a risk?
2. Differences Do Matter. The premise of this site is based on the idea that people need a safe place to learn and practice effective communication skills. Can you learn these skills elsewhere? Yes, of course. (Just Google: Effective Communication Skills, and you’ll see!) But this site and communication method provides a specific, orientation safe arena to practice. Leaning on homophily allows us to provide a place to learn effective communication skills.
3. Stretching Boundaries. As much as we would like to stay in our homophily worlds, we really do need to break out of the bonds of the familiar. Do you spend time with other ethnic groups? Do you only bond with men or only with women? Does everyone around you all believe the same way? Yes, it’s okay to like the same. But more often then not, we will gain a better sense of living life, if we break from the familiar and try something new.

So, there is a time and place for homophily, but it is also valuable for us to take a look at it for what it is: a tool we can use for effective communication skills.

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I seriously think my paternal grandmother was a recluse, though I can only make that call based on childhood memories of family visits with her. I grew up in Indiana and Grams lived in the state of Washington, so we would drive out to see her about every five years.

On those occasions, I can recall her rarely leaving her home. Seldom would she join us as we attended family reunions at other relatives’ homes. Mostly, she sat in her chair in the living room, content to be home.

As I watched my father age, I saw similar tendencies develop. Though he was a public speaker, he found great solace in solitude, and during his illness that took his life, he became very reclusive.

I explain this background, because there is clearly a hereditary connection with aspects of effective communication. Even though I think environmental impacts (childhood or current home or work life) can influence levels of “reclusivity,” I think people are born at certain levels. So, it’s with this understanding of my heredity that I find myself tending toward reclusiveness.

When I was younger, I never had any real problems being out there. I could go out and find friends to play with in the neighborhood, and had a great time doing it. Now that I’ve matured a bit (only a little, really!), I find myself hesitating and even dreading social interactions. I seriously must force myself to go. Of course, once I’m there I have a great time, but it is the getting there where I’m finding it difficult to do.

I’ve come to ask myself: what is the deciding factor behind which side of the reclusivity I choose? Though I have a natural tendency to “stay in,” because I find great comfort and energy from spending time alone. But as I consider my thought processes behind the over-reaction before a social interaction, I realize there are some base emotions at the core.

Fear or Love?

I found the key factor in me avoiding social scenes came from being afraid. I feared rejection. I feared pain. Admitting the fear, feeling it, and then going on anyhow has become a powerful catalyst for change or at least a delay in me becoming a recluse.

I give myself permission to be alone. I know I need that time away from others to recharge, but I don’t want fear to take control of any part of my life. Take a moment to consider if your extremes in communication stem from fear or love. It may help your improve your effective communication.

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During my presentation of the effective communication guide to a business affinity group, one of the members asked me an interesting question:  “Do opposites attract?”

We had already completed most of the Session, and since I personally knew both of them, I could agree with his assessment of them being opposites. It did appear the two were completely opposite, and to him this was also a clear picture of the “Opposites Attract” rule.

But is there really such a thing as Opposites Attract in effective communication and what role does it play? A study published in the July 2003 Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that self-perception was more likely to match mate perception, meaning how you think of yourself tends to match how you think of your partner. It concluded that the participants used a “likes-attract” rule, meaning they preferred partners who are similar more than opposite.

Looking deeper into the relationship of my friends, I could see key aspects of their relationship that were more similar than opposite:

• Both were physically attractive
• Monetary outlook/incentives were close to even
• Religious heritage matched
• Educational levels corresponded
• Career and aspiration goals synced up

So even though my friend introverted way left, and his partner extroverted far to the right, creating an apparent opposites attract scenario in the core parts of their relationship revealed a sameness in some core issues that created an strong partnership.

Overcoming Opposites

The fear my friend was trying to express by asking if opposites attract stemmed from focusing on only one aspect of themselves. Yes, either introversion or extroversion taken to the extreme can be harmful. But remember: There’s nothing right or wrong in the natural occurrence of these effective communication traits, but there can be painful results when extroversion is taken to extreme, or when introversion is left unchecked.

The goal of effective communication is to help you improve all your in relationships. Understanding where you are in it, will help you see where you want to be next. Finding opposites within your relationship shouldn’t be that much of a surprise, because it is this spark of difference that gives a freshness to being together.

Just remember that the same thing that attracted you or the Opposite you are now focused on can be the thing that is the most challenging for you. But learning effective communication in spite of it is what we are here to do.

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