Effective Communication Guide

I seriously think my paternal grandmother was a recluse, though I can only make that call based on childhood memories of family visits with her. I grew up in Indiana and Grams lived in the state of Washington, so we would drive out to see her about every five years.

On those occasions, I can recall her rarely leaving her home. Seldom would she join us as we attended family reunions at other relatives’ homes. Mostly, she sat in her chair in the living room, content to be home.

As I watched my father age, I saw similar tendencies develop. Though he was a public speaker, he found great solace in solitude, and during his illness that took his life, he became very reclusive.

I explain this background, because there is clearly a hereditary connection with aspects of effective communication. Even though I think environmental impacts (childhood or current home or work life) can influence levels of “reclusivity,” I think people are born at certain levels. So, it’s with this understanding of my heredity that I find myself tending toward reclusiveness.

When I was younger, I never had any real problems being out there. I could go out and find friends to play with in the neighborhood, and had a great time doing it. Now that I’ve matured a bit (only a little, really!), I find myself hesitating and even dreading social interactions. I seriously must force myself to go. Of course, once I’m there I have a great time, but it is the getting there where I’m finding it difficult to do.

I’ve come to ask myself: what is the deciding factor behind which side of the reclusivity I choose? Though I have a natural tendency to “stay in,” because I find great comfort and energy from spending time alone. But as I consider my thought processes behind the over-reaction before a social interaction, I realize there are some base emotions at the core.

Fear or Love?

I found the key factor in me avoiding social scenes came from being afraid. I feared rejection. I feared pain. Admitting the fear, feeling it, and then going on anyhow has become a powerful catalyst for change or at least a delay in me becoming a recluse.

I give myself permission to be alone. I know I need that time away from others to recharge, but I don’t want fear to take control of any part of my life. Take a moment to consider if your extremes in communication stem from fear or love. It may help your improve your effective communication.

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During my presentation of the effective communication guide to a business affinity group, one of the members asked me an interesting question:  “Do opposites attract?”

We had already completed most of the Session, and since I personally knew both of them, I could agree with his assessment of them being opposites. It did appear the two were completely opposite, and to him this was also a clear picture of the “Opposites Attract” rule.

But is there really such a thing as Opposites Attract in effective communication and what role does it play? A study published in the July 2003 Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that self-perception was more likely to match mate perception, meaning how you think of yourself tends to match how you think of your partner. It concluded that the participants used a “likes-attract” rule, meaning they preferred partners who are similar more than opposite.

Looking deeper into the relationship of my friends, I could see key aspects of their relationship that were more similar than opposite:

• Both were physically attractive
• Monetary outlook/incentives were close to even
• Religious heritage matched
• Educational levels corresponded
• Career and aspiration goals synced up

So even though my friend introverted way left, and his partner extroverted far to the right, creating an apparent opposites attract scenario in the core parts of their relationship revealed a sameness in some core issues that created an strong partnership.

Overcoming Opposites

The fear my friend was trying to express by asking if opposites attract stemmed from focusing on only one aspect of themselves. Yes, either introversion or extroversion taken to the extreme can be harmful. But remember: There’s nothing right or wrong in the natural occurrence of these effective communication traits, but there can be painful results when extroversion is taken to extreme, or when introversion is left unchecked.

The goal of effective communication is to help you improve all your in relationships. Understanding where you are in it, will help you see where you want to be next. Finding opposites within your relationship shouldn’t be that much of a surprise, because it is this spark of difference that gives a freshness to being together.

Just remember that the same thing that attracted you or the Opposite you are now focused on can be the thing that is the most challenging for you. But learning effective communication in spite of it is what we are here to do.

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Did you know Rapper Li’l John has an energy drink named after the type of music he produces? Crunk Energy Drink!

If you don’t know, Crunk is probably considered a sub-genre of Hip Hop music. The word itself is said to originate as a “portmanteau” of the two words: crazy & drunk. So when you slam crazy into drunk, it comes out CRUNK!

Because this musical genre is said to be stripped down to the core of the rhythm by focusing on the beat, usually using a drum machine, I think crunk works perfectly for the effective communication by describing some basic core concepts about communication styles.

The key to crunk is observation. By taking some time to learn these key signals on communication styles, you can more easily understand the preferred communication style of someone. Crunk reflects those key indicators to watch for as you are interacting. Effective communication takes listening and observation. Here’s some of information on effective communication crunks.

Facial Expressions Crunk: What is showing up on the face? What do you see there? Do you see an open, accepting expression or do you notice few, controlled expressions?

Voice Pitch Crunk: Besides the obvious differences between male and female pitch based on evolutionary and cultural development, the pitch produced by the vocal cords can clearly indicate preferred methods of communicating. For example, have you noticed someone afraid having a higher pitch than someone who is at ease and relaxed while speaking.

Voice Volume Crunk: You know you have to listen intently with some folks, and with others you have no problem hearing them from across the room. Voice volume can also predict communication styles.

Posture Crunk: Do you notice a slouch? Do they stand erect and upright? This can present you an opportunity at insight on preferred traits of the other person by watching their posture.

Key Word Crunks: Even if you can’t pick up on some of the visual clues indicated in the Crunks above, you can pick up on key words used as the conversation progresses. Does the speaker use Think terms or Feel Terms? (”I think I’ll go to the store.”) Does the speaker use commands or requests? How specific does the speaker reference time or dates or figures? Depending on the answer to this Key Word Crunks, you can establish a preferred communication style.

Some of these may take some practice to learn, while noticing some of others may come much easier for you. Take the time to observe and notice those folks around you. I’ve often found it interesting to sit in a public place and watch people as they interact in large or small groups to see if I can pick up on these Crunks of Effective Communication.

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