Effective Communication Guide

I was really surprised when I saw the banner ad for Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose (Oprah’s Book Club, Selection 61) on a social web site, but I guess I’m not the only man to be interested in Eckhart’s book on awakening consciousness.

Reading this quote about relationships from his book got my attention:

A genuine relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego with its image-making and self-seeking. In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever. That alert attention is Presence. It is the prerequisite for any authentic relationship. (Tolle, A New Earth, p. 84)

The word “genuine” first caused me to pause. Isn’t that what everyone wants? Doesn’t everyone think they are genuine? Profiles from that same social web site have lots of folks that say “be real” or “no BS.” So, it’s not such a far stretch to think a lot of us want something real or genuine. But what does genuine really mean, and how does it really apply to the effective communication?

At first, I worried about if effective communication functions in the ego. Is the determination of personal interactions a description of the interactions of egos? After reading his book all the way through, I came to the conclusion that communication can be all about ego, if that is where you are. If you are currently living by the needs of the ego, then yes, your interactions could be perceived as ego. That would be true about every aspect of your life.

I believe Tolle’s book is about having you stop to become aware of the ego. He helps you see it; question it. Awareness is the first step in Awakening. And awareness is the first step in effective communication.

Guide asks you to stop and be aware of where you are now in your  relationships. The First Step of effective communication is a self-evaluation. This is your chance to stop and be aware: to see where you are… to see who you are.

Then as you become aware of who you, you can build more effective communication on this first step.

Tolle goes on to say:

The ego always either wants something, or if it believes there is nothing to get from the other, it is in a state of utter indifference. It doesn’t care about you. And so, the three predominant states of egoic relationships are: wanting, thwarted wanting (anger, resentment, blaming, complaining), and indifference. (Tolle, A New Earth, p. 84)

If you find yourself described there, it may be time to take a deeper look. To become aware of it is the first step. That’s how effective communication can help.

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I was at a get-together talking to a friend, who was complaining about her partner not being there, because he instead had gone to visit mom for the weekend.

“Just remember,” I comforted. “How a man treats his mother is how he treats you .”

She didn’t seem that encouraged by it, and when I first said it, I really didn’t know if it was true. But now, I’ve read research that talks about it called attachment theory. Apparently, these psychologists claim how you learned to “attach” to caregivers in your childhood will apply to how you develop gay relationships in adulthood.

What I found interesting is the grid used to place the types of  relationships the authors are describing. It seemed rather familiar. When I took the on-line questionnaires for placement on this grid, I generally landed in the bottom right corner…. yes, FEARFUL. And when I compare the opposite corner, I notice the SECURE placement. So, I can see a correspondence there. The corner to the right is PREOCCUPIED, and the DISMISSING corner the last one for effective communication.

This would mean the Model of Other (avoidance) half of the grid would relate to how out going or extroverted you are, and the Model of Self (dependence) would relate to your view of structure. It would be like we took that grid and turned it one quarter clockwise to make it fit our view of effective communication.

I would say: Yep, aspects of this attachment theory do correspond! However, we take it a step further in helping you recognize and then identify the effective communication in others and then learn how to improve the communication with them.

I find all this really fascinating, since I just started studying the attachment theory, and I have developed effective communication over quite a few years. I can see how the interactions you learn as a wee lad or lass at the hands of your early caregivers can influence how you will interact with others in the future. And effective communication is a reflection of human interactions, so I guess I can see a correspondence in our relationships.

In fact, knowing that my friend who was missing her partner because of the visit to mom is a strong FEARFUL, the  attachment part of her was showing. Recognizing it and understanding it is where effective communication can help your relationships become better and better.

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