I was at a get-together talking to a friend, who was complaining about her partner not being there, because he instead had gone to visit mom for the weekend.

“Just remember,” I comforted. “How a man treats his mother is how he treats you .”

She didn’t seem that encouraged by it, and when I first said it, I really didn’t know if it was true. But now, I’ve read research that talks about it called attachment theory. Apparently, these psychologists claim how you learned to “attach” to caregivers in your childhood will apply to how you develop gay relationships in adulthood.

What I found interesting is the grid used to place the types of  relationships the authors are describing. It seemed rather familiar. When I took the on-line questionnaires for placement on this grid, I generally landed in the bottom right corner…. yes, FEARFUL. And when I compare the opposite corner, I notice the SECURE placement. So, I can see a correspondence there. The corner to the right is PREOCCUPIED, and the DISMISSING corner the last one for effective communication.

This would mean the Model of Other (avoidance) half of the grid would relate to how out going or extroverted you are, and the Model of Self (dependence) would relate to your view of structure. It would be like we took that grid and turned it one quarter clockwise to make it fit our view of effective communication.

I would say: Yep, aspects of this attachment theory do correspond! However, we take it a step further in helping you recognize and then identify the effective communication in others and then learn how to improve the communication with them.

I find all this really fascinating, since I just started studying the attachment theory, and I have developed effective communication over quite a few years. I can see how the interactions you learn as a wee lad or lass at the hands of your early caregivers can influence how you will interact with others in the future. And effective communication is a reflection of human interactions, so I guess I can see a correspondence in our relationships.

In fact, knowing that my friend who was missing her partner because of the visit to mom is a strong FEARFUL, the  attachment part of her was showing. Recognizing it and understanding it is where effective communication can help your relationships become better and better.

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